Big Lots Bonanza: Bundts, Babies, Birds and Bees

It’s rare that I’ve ever gone to Big Lots and not been pleasantly surprised by the oddities within. Today was certainly not an exception. My inaugural trip for the year was looking bland but BAM! these pans changed it all. Here’s the info, as well as a handful of other grunt-inducing finds:

I’m going to call these bundt pans — apologies to those who are more culinarily inclined (read: make more food than I do — not so much eat more). What makes these bundt pans super-special is that they are based on classic architecture. The top is pan is “Tudor,” while the bottom blue pan is “Victorian.” I wasn’t geeked enough to actually buy one, but I’m sure there are quite a few closeted renaissance faire wenches out there who would go nutso about these.

“Baby Crawl ‘N Fall” is something that I can construe only as incredibly, incredibly racist. Black doll right? Stripes a la prison get up? Description: she crawls, she falls down and cries, she gets back up and crawls again. Do I need to explain myself anymore?

As for Anne Geddes, she should have stopped with the creephat baby pictures. If those weren’t terrifying enough, check out “Baby Tigers!” Straight off the island of Dr. Moreau, this feral child is all packaged up and ready to go home! Don’t underestimate the confusing ambiguity that your children will grapple with, or the sweet exorcist 360 degree head turn action. I’m glad that this babything was all wrapped up and tied down. Anne, not cool. Seriously.

“Hooked on Kindergarten:” All I’m going to say is, awesome, I hope your kids are pumped about Kindergarten, but “hooked?” This package makes it sound like it’s meant to perpetually hold children back, in some post-preschool limbo land. Don’t we want kids to move on to first grade?

And finally, “Imp-Aid.” Yes, apparently Big Lots sells sex toys. I found this cock pump/vacuum tube/contraption while waiting in the checkout line. After calming my convulsions of laughter I whisked away to a side aisle to take a picture. At this point I grabbed a handful of confusing looks from nearby customers to the effect of “is he running away to go use that?” Ridiculous. “Imp-Aid” is a crazy expensive vacuum therapy device. This, I am assuming, is a legacy tool from the pre-viagra era. Rather than to enlarge manlihood, this vacuum is used to engorge. I’m not sure this store would be the first place I would go to for impotence problems — or that I would ever, ever trust such a device.  There’s a sucker born every minute, I guess.

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